


To you, Paul Coker

by evakayaki



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Paul's death, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Past Ben Mitchell/Paul Coker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25516435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakayaki/pseuds/evakayaki
Summary: On the fourth anniversary of Paul's death, Ben open's up to Callum about his former relationship.---------Ben yawned and nuzzled his nose against Callum’s jaw. He had been startled out of his sleep a few hours ago and when sleep didn’t come, he had just laid there watching night turn into day. It had been like that for the last few days, sleep eluding him. But he knew why. Of course he knew why. Four years. Four long years since Paul was ripped from his life.Deep down...Ben knew that somewhere deep down, buried inside of himself, he would always blame himself for Paul’s death. They should have had more time. More laughs. More love. Just...more.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	To you, Paul Coker

**Author's Note:**

> Slight AU as Ben has his hearing back.

Ben yawned and nuzzled his nose against Callum’s jaw. He had been startled out of his sleep a few hours ago and when sleep didn’t come back, he had just laid there watching night turn into day. It had been like that for the last few days, sleep eluding him. But he knew why. Of course he knew why. Four years. Four long years since Paul was ripped from his life. 

Deep down...Ben knew that somewhere deep down, buried inside of himself, he would always blame himself for Paul’s death. They should have had more time. More laughs. More love. Just...more.

He’d never forget Paul’s last smile, his last _I love you_ that was whispered between laughs and kisses as they stumbled out of that bar. It had been an amazing night. They had danced and drank and were just two young lads with their whole lives ahead of them. Dreams of living in the flat and running the family business together so vivid, Ben could feel himself filling with hope and excitement that finally he had found his place. 

And just like that the pain came crashing down. Ben gasped, trying to quiet himself. Calm himself. 

“Alright?” Calum’s sleep rough voice asked, and Ben felt a gentle hand rub over his back. 

Nodding, Ben cleared his throat, “Yeah, just couldn’t sleep.” His voice cracked. _Damn._

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Quiet, still sleep filled. 

Ben shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s nothing.”

“Ben?” Callum asked, and Ben sighed. 

It wasn’t like he was keeping Paul from Callum. No, that cat had been let out of the bag long ago. His boyfriend knew that Paul was his first love and he knew that Paul had been murdered. But that was the extent of it. He never told Callum the details, the _Ben and Paul_ story. Maybe it was time. 

“It’s been four years,” Ben started, slightly rolling away.

“Four years?” 

“Since Paul was...murdered,” That word. 

“Oh,” Callum nodded.

Ben nodded too, “Do you...do you want to know about him. Him and me?”

“Anything you want to tell me,” And that was Callum. Patient. 

“I love you, but I loved him too. What I felt for him...” Ben looked up, trying to read Callum’s expression. “I’m sorry if that...I love you Callum, but Paul-“

“Was the person you thought you were going to spend your life with,” Callum concluded.

Ben nodded, “I really did. And I’m not saying this to hurt you.”

“I know,” There was an unspoken promise in Callum’s voice. “Tell me how you met.”

“When he’d first come to Walford, me and Jay almost fought him. He’d accidentally sent Lola to the ground with his backpack,” Ben chuckled at the memory. “We had our first kiss that same day.”

“So, you went from almost hitting the guy to making out?” Callum summarized.

Ben laughed, “I suppose that’s what happened. I wasn’t out, not really. Or at least I didn’t want to be out or gay or anything. But there was something about him.”

“Sounds familiar,” Callum playful knocked his shoulder against Ben’s. 

Ben threw a smile at his boyfriend, “I fought my feelings for him so hard. Told myself the sex was just physical, didn’t make me gay. But I knew I was. Fuck, did I hate it. Dated Abi, dunno if you ever met her.”

“She’s the girl who passed away after taking a fall?” Callum tried to remember. He’d just been fresh to Walford at the time. 

“Yeah,” Ben nodded. Another life gone too soon. “Thought if I could force myself to love her then I would, but it didn’t work. I hated myself. And you know what Paul told me?”

Callum stroked a finger down Ben’s arm.

“He said the bits I hated about myself were the bits he loved the most. I loved him. I wanted to be with him but, damn my Mitchell shit. I just couldn’t...I wasted so much time trying to be what everyone wanted, everything that I wasn’t then and I ain’t now.” Ben swallowed. 

“When did that all change?” Callum prodded gently. 

“You know my family, all drama. Abi pretended to be pregnant and shit hit the fan. And I just,” he paused. That was another story for another day. “Jay basically told me to get my shit together and be proud of being gay.”

“And?”

“I wanted to be with Paul, but I didn’t know how to be _this_ ,” Ben gestured around at himself and Callum.

“Tell me about Paul,” Callum asked, seeing Ben struggling. 

Callum didn’t miss the look in Ben’s eyes at whatever memory the boy was playing in his head. He felt a pang if jealousy, until he reminded himself of why they were discussing Paul in the first place. 

“He was...kind and funny. Magnetic, you know? You couldn’t help but look at him when walked into a room. He was good. And he saw something good in me despite the Mitchell reputation. I’ll never understand why he loved me,” Ben closed his eyes tightly for a second. “And loving me got him killed.”

“Ben,” Callum leaned over to kiss Ben’s shoulder. 

“I ran my mouth. I couldn’t just shut it for once. Fuck, we were so happy just a minute before,” Ben paused. “Me and him were going to run the funeral home. Live in the flat above it. We had plans...I still have the notebook we wrote our ideas in. Every time I’d go to throw it out, I’d see us laughing and creating this life together and...it would be like binning _us_.” 

Ben stopped again for a second. 

“We were holding hands and...I should’ve left it. But I didn’t. I had to say something. Paul was tugging on me to just go, but I didn’t. And he paid for it,” Ben tried to keep himself from crying. “Simon Atmore and his gang killed him, but I -“

“No,” Callum shook his head, placing his hand on Ben’s cheek and forcing the man to look at him. “I may not know Paul, but I do know as another man who loves Ben Mitchell that he doesn’t blame you for what happened because it wasn’t your fault.”

Ben shrugged. 

“Jay told me he thought you two would get married,” Callum nodded, remembering how Jay just let it slip out. 

“Maybe,” Ben had thought it might have been in their future. He wasn’t big on marriage and Paul hadn’t really expressed too much interest in it. But the notion of committing to Paul, having Paul commit to him, had become more and more appealing. 

Making a decision, Ben reached over and grabbed his phone. 

“Here,” he turned the screen so Callum could see. “That’s us. Coker and Sons.”

Callum took in the photo. It was of Ben and another boy with dark curly hair, Paul. They were smiling with Pam and Les. And Ben...he looked so much younger, with glasses and a baby face. Funny what four years can do. But aside from all that, happiness radiated off the couple, the entire family.

“You guys looked good together,” It was the only thing Callum could think to say. 

“Hmm,” Ben hummed. “That person, that life died the moment...fuck.” He sniffled. “And I think of his last moments. He died alone and I ran like a bloody-“ 

Callum shook his head, “Paul loved you. Chose you.”

“Yeah, he did. Stupid mistake on his part, ain’t it?” Ben chuckled without humor and wiped his eyes. 

“You should do something for him. For yourself,” Callum suggested. “People deserve to know about him. You deserve to talk about him.” 

“Maybe,” Ben didn’t know if he could talk about his ex without feeing raw like when he was first told that Paul was gone. 

Callum nodded, knowing the conversation was almost done. “Tell Lexi about him.” Callum didn’t want to make it harder on Ben, and he didn’t know if it was his place since he’d never met Paul, but if things had been different it would be Paul here. Paul getting to see that little girl grow up. Paul at Ben’s side. 

“I’m,” _Sorry?_ No, Ben wasn’t sorry for loving Paul. “I do love you, Callum.”

“I know,” Callum smiled.

Later, after they’d stayed in bed well into the afternoon, they’ll get up and grab something leftover in the fridge. Ben will grab them a couple of beers as they turn on the television and watch some random movie. 

As Ben is nodding off on his shoulder, Callum will raise his beer slightly to the ceiling. _To you, Paul Coker._


End file.
